Do you have a problem with family violence?
This tip-sheet is for men who are concerned about their own violent behaviour. See also our tip-sheet for men who are experiencing family violence.
Family violence is any type of abusive behaviour in a family or relationship where one person attempts to gain and maintain control over the other. It can take many forms including physical violence, sexual assault, emotional abuse or social or financial control. Abuse does not have to be physical or sexual to be considered family violence.
MensLine Australia believes the use of physical, emotional, sexual, psychological or economic abuse in family and intimate relationships is always unacceptable and in some cases is against the law. We believe that any person using violence is solely responsible for their behaviour and we will work with people to accept that responsibility and connect with services in the community to facilitate behaviour change. In our work with callers we will take the appropriate steps to ensure the safety of the person experiencing abuse and will encourage them to seek suitable supports.
You do have a problem with family violence when -
- The relationship between you and your partner and/or other family members can be described as a "power OVER relationship", rather than a "power WITH relationship". In other words you want and are in control.
- You use and/or have used any of the following behaviours:
- engaging in physical and/or sexual assault– grabbing, pushing, slapping, punching, forced sex
- making threats to harm – yelling, screaming, punching walls, standing over, preventing the other from leaving, making threats
- engaging in emotional and psychological abuse – name calling, belittling remarks, put downs, continuous criticisms, making fun of the other, threatening to harm oneself
- putting limits on what the other can do – going everywhere with them, quizzing them on where they go and what they do, ringing up all the time, stalking, isolating them from family and friends
- preventing the other from making choices – making most of the decisions, expecting the other to ask permission, controlling the money in the household
- There are consequences for those on the receiving end of your actions, such as:
- being physically or psychologically hurt
- feeling unsafe around you
- unable to express themselves freely and openly
- being withdrawn and guarded when you are around
- feeling and acting unsure of themselves
- deferring to you and/or allowing you to make all the decisions
- being depressed and anxious
- loss of affection and intimacy in the relationship
- You are unwilling to accept responsibility for what you do. You may:
- deny you acted that way – "I wasn't violent or abusive or controlling"
- minimise what you do – "I only pushed her"
- justify and excuse have you have done – "If she stopped nagging me, I wouldn't have hit her"; "I am the head of the house".
- blame others for your behaviour – "It's my parent's fault I'm like this"; "I am under a lot of pressure at the moment"
If you can say yes to any of the above, you have a problem with family violence. Although you may believe there are short term gains, there are long term consequences:
- Someone may get hurt
- Those you love will be afraid of you
- You will lose your relationship and your family
- Your access to your children will be restricted
- Assault charges and legal intervention orders can be taken against you
- You will lose face and be shamed
It is unlikely you will be able to solve it on your own. Many men have tried and failed. Talk to someone about it now.
There are programs, groups and telephone services that specifically deal with family violence issues. Check our service database or call MensLine Australia for further information.
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