Post-separation issues
I want to get more time with my children. What can I do?
Any move towards renegotiating the amount of contact you have with your
children should begin with an informal approach to your ex-partner to discuss
the issue and request the changed arrangements. In the event that she refuses
your request, you can seek professional mediation. A mediator is a neutral third
party who can sit with you both to try to help you to arrive at a mutually
acceptable arrangement. You can find mediation services in your area by looking
up our services directory.
The final option if mediation fails is to seek an amendment of your
contact/residency arrangements through the Family Court. Be aware that from July
31st, 2007 it will be a legal requirement that all parties go through a
mediation process before bringing their case to the Family Court.
I am concerned that my ex-wife/partner is not looking after my children
properly. What can I do?
The first step if you are concerned about the way your ex-wife or partner is
looking after your children is to discuss the issue with her and tell her your
concerns. Obviously this requires sensitivity. You are much more likely to get a
satisfactory result if you approach her in a spirit of concern rather than
blame. The following are some tips:
- State your observations factually rather than emotively. Don't exaggerate,
but just state what you have noticed that concerns you.
- Avoid blaming language and generalisations ("You never…" "You're a bad
mother/ a slob etc.")
- Focus on solutions rather than problems.
- Rather than looking for your ex-wife's or partner's faults, focus on what
support she might need to care for the children better. Can you help in any way?
Are there any community services that could assist?
- Try to reach a plan together.
- Agree to meet again to see how things are going and whether the plan is
working.
Obviously, in many situations, such ideal communication will not be possible
due to many factors, including all the 'baggage' of your past relationship
together. If you are unable to make any progress on the issue together, you
could suggest seeking the services of a mediator to help you reach an agreement
on a way forward.
If you have serious concerns which you are unable to resolve, you might wish
to approach a child abuse prevention organisation. These agencies are in most
areas (look up 'Child Protection' in our services directory),
and can look at developing a plan to support your ex-partner to provide better
care for your children.
Finally, if you have grounds to believe that your children are at serious
risk or are being harmed or neglected by their mother, you can formally notify
Child Protective Services about the situation. This does not always mean that
the children will be removed from their mother's care. This would only occur as
a last resort, after other attempts to resolve the issue (through, for example,
linking the mother with community support agencies) have failed.
Whenever I see my ex-wife/partner to pick up my kids, we end up having a
fight, and I am concerned how this is affecting our children. How can I stop
this?
Due to the ongoing anger and bitterness of some separations, picking up and
dropping off children can sometimes be the point at which tensions flare up.
Research shows that witnessing such disputes between parents can have a harmful
effect on children. The first step if you wish to prevent this harm from
occurring is to attempt to reach an agreement with your ex-wife/partner not to
argue in front of your children. If there are issues that need to be discussed,
agree to talk about them at some other time when the children are not present,
for example on the telephone when the children are in their beds asleep. If this
does not work, you could consider using a drop-off centre in your area. These
centres allow parents to drop off their children for collection by the other
parent at a safe place, so that the parents do not have to come into direct
contact. These can be found under "Contact Centres" in our service directory.