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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, May 31, 2007
Posts: 2,
Visits: 5
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This forum is looking a little lonely so i guess i will get the ball rolling...
Firstly a little bit about myself. I am a married stay at home mother of 2 children. My husband and i have our own business and this is where our problems stem from so here goes the essay... (BTW im so happy i stumbled upon a 'mens' forum coz now i can get a man's perspective/opinion.advice and not the one's espoused by women's magazines.)
Basically my husband works WAY too many hours. Even if he only worked 4 days a week we would not starve and still have a roof over our heads. His excuse is that if he doesnt work we dont make as much money but he hardly sees the kids and he hardly sees me.
Our r/ship is suffering and we have many problems.
Firstly, our sex life has not just taken a back seat, it has literally been thrown out the window. I know he works very hard for us (please tell me if i sound like a selfish b***) but i am SO FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!. I am so irritable because of this and i snap at my children a lot. He is always too tired for sex and when is isnt tired he isnt in the mood for it. Ever. i have tried talking to this about him and he tells me he is too tired so deal with it. When we do have sex - i know this is horrible and im not proud of it one bit - i harass him from dinnnertime onwards so that he knows that i want it. Most of the time he tells me he is too tired and i accept it. I feel like im being starved. Along with the lack of sex is the general lack of intimacy and affection. I always try and give him cuddles and kisses and he just shrugs me off. I send him cute sms' and he will ring me up and say 'what was that for'.
Secondly, trying to make him talk about our personal and private issues is very hard. He is always clammed up and it doesnt help that i hardly see him. If i try and talk to him he will either shrugs me off or give some typical guy answer and thats what im left with. Surprisingly there is very little tension between us, probably coz we get along very well, we really are best friends and also because i keep my emotions in check around him. Unfortunately its my children who suffer i.e i take it out on them. Also i must add that EVERYTHING is done for him housework wise. I used to ask him to help out but he used to hate being asked to help even though it wasless for me to do but since i decided i would not ask him to help out heis much happier. He is also like this with the kids, I never ask him to help out and he likes it this way.
Thirdly, because of all the above, im scared that if an opportunity presents itself, that i will stray.
What i would like to know is how do i talk to him with the goal being to make him open up about our lack of intimacy, how long he works etc without trying to sound overbearing?
As for our sex problems, who do u go to for help???
Any bit of advice would be great and thanks for listening to my rant 
sass
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Post #46
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Friday, February 10, 2012
Posts: 39,
Visits: 148
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Hi sass. Somehow you posted twice - slightly different posts, and I wasn't sure which to reply to... Anyway, I've gone for the later one. So I'm hearing three major issues: lack of sex, lack of time together, and lack of affection, all of which could be summarised as a lack of intimacy. I empathise! I was in a relationship for many years with someone who lost interest sexually after a year or so, and then basically we had sex about twice a year, if that. In the end it was too much for me. I just couldn't deal with the frustration, and I couldn't get any commitment on her part to work on the issue. It sounds like you face a dilemma if you husband is closed to discussions around these issues, because obviously you can't get anywhere without his willing co-operation. But maybe the way you phrase the question reveals something - you said you don't want to sound "overbearing", and reading between the lines I'm guessing that you are hiding the seriousness of the problem from your husband. Like many blokes in problematic relationships, he probably has no idea how serious the issue is getting. The fact is, we're pretty thick when it comes to picking this sort of stuff up. I bet he'd be surprised and horrified to know that you are questioning your capacity to remain faithful to him - even though I fully understand, having been there. I can also understand things from your husband's perspective, because like him, I tend to overwork, and it drives my curent wife crazy sometimes. I have to really consciously work on it. I know I use work to avoid facing emotional stuff, so you can get into a vicious circle, with the work being the way you avoid stuff in your relationship, and the stuff getting worse because your always at work! My advice? Don't worry about being overbearing. Your husband has to know that you are dissatisfied and that it is serious, and that his relationship is in trouble. Yes, he won't like having his status quo disturbed. But if you let things go on, you're going to find yourself, like me, hitting the rocks quite unexpectedly. As far as who can help with the sexual issues, there are therapists who specialise in this area and any relationship counseller should be able to help.
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Post #48
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 12, 2007
Posts: 1,
Visits: 2
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I believe he is doing these things because he wants to. It sounds like he has of interest in just about anything. I'd suggest trying not to pushhim as it's only seen as nagging, although from your point of view, you are not getting thing from your relationship.
I have a problem with my wife. I feel tired and don't feel like sex. I haven't for a long time. She then has started going out on Friday nights and has given me an altermation- have sex with me, or I'll get it from somewhere else. It snapped me back into position and started to be intermet with my wife. Unfornunity, when the kids were in bed, it was showtime for us. I was really excited, but also scared (scared because I thought i wouldn't be able to satisfy her), then I went soft. We tried to revive me back into an erection, but it never happened.
I'm telling you this because if you push him, it may backfire and a worse effect could happen.
Maybe when you are both in bed at night time, try to play with his penis softly and see if you get a reaction. You may find thAt if you do it slowly, you may get a better reaction.
Although I don't know both of you, so I think your best judgement would play a part in this scenario.
Best of luck!!
cool_bananas
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Post #90
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Monday, July 16, 2007
Posts: 1,
Visits: 6
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Hi Sass,
It's been awhile since you first posted, and I'm just new to the forum, but hopefully I can offer my perspective...
My story: I've been having relationship problems for the last four years (married 15), and been getting counseling for depression for the last couple. During this time my interest in my wife has dramatically decreased. I still have desires, and physically have no issues, but the pressure of the relationship problems and the pressure from my wife for me to initiate intimacy has totally destroyed my desire.
The depression doesn't help as that has killed my desire for her too. Perhaps your partner is feeling overwhelmed and can't express it (typical of us males). I've got 3 children and they do get in the way of intimate time, but they are really only a small part of the problem.
We argue alot, I'm not progressing from my counseling (lack of commitment to the relationship perhaps), and I've been getting the ultimatums "get your act together or move out". My 6yo boy is getting particularly affected by my lack of consistency and emotional support.
All together the "us time" is not happening. I work, get home, get all the problems of the day dumped on me, I lack the motivation to progress, my wife goes to bed early "cause she can't talk to me" and I sleep on the couch - I sleep better there than in bed!
So from all this what can I suggest?
1. Give your husband less attention for awhile, give him space to relieve the pressure
2. Find something that does turn your husband on and do it in the background (eg. for me lingerie would do it, if my wife would wear it - but only let me see it by accident, without jumping on me, it would greatly increase my interest) It could be anything, like bring him a beer and just sit with him watching the football...
3. Try something small like hold his hand, or patting on the arse - nothing which requires him to make a big response...
4. Let him make a small move and give him a little encouragement, but again don't jump him straightaway
- little by little increase the tit-for-tat until you can up the ante
5. Try waking him up in the morning (when he's not working) with a gentle caress and go from there...
If this doesn't work, try the hard sell - strap him to the bed and get all your desires worked out on him - he may not initially like it, but at least you get what you need, and maybe he'll come to the party....
Hope this helps...
Roger
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Post #93
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Posts: 1,
Visits: 2
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Hi sass and guys,
I'm glad I stumbled across this site too. My other half and I are having similar problems. We have been married 5 years (problems for about four years - I sometimes wonder if we were suited in the first place), two young kids and we both work full time (not self-employed). Like you I have a strong sex drive but my other half doesn't and there seem to be a number of reasons for this. He has slept on the couch for about two years and we have sex maybe twice a year. He has a real problem with depression and I wonder how much might be my fault, or if it was always there and I just didn't know. Anyway, I'm not going to take over the conversation, I just wanted to offer my support as someone with similar issues, and I'll give the suggestions the guys made a go. It would be great to hear which advice you decided to take and how it went.
cheers
lilybell
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Post #210
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Monday, March 10, 2008
Posts: 1,
Visits: 5
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hey,
This is all ringing a familiar bell for me. 60yr old experiencing low libido for 10yrs ..never bothered to do anything about it. Wife of 14 yrs (2nd) starting to lose her incredible tolerance, feels its her lack of attractiveness, which I can assure you it's not. I have great difficulty in talking about it to her, and most conversations end in one way communication on her part which ends in her sobbing and feeling bad about herself. I just can't seem to communicate on the subject. I feel it's all coming to a head and that she will walk and frankly I can't blame her at all.
One of my problems is deciding whether or not I simply dont find sex attractive anymore or is there something physically or mentally wrong with me. I'm sure i know the answer there but have great difficulty finding the right person people group to reach out to .
..scot.
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Post #230
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Posts: 7,
Visits: 14
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Hi Sass,
I feel your frustration, and empathise with you. I do suggest reading John Gray 'men are from mars Women are from venus' as this would shed some understanding.
It sounds like he is either obsessed with making money or he is afraid of failing in the business. There is something driving him to this level of work and the solution to the problem will depend on his motivation.
You would find a psychologist or counsellor would help in this situation if he percieves there is a problem and wants help. The therapy would most probably involve cognitive behavioural therapy. You can also conduct this with him as an eye opener and seek professional help when you understand the problems better.
Failing this, the best thing you can do is communicate sensitively with empathy and apply the skills of active listening. you would be amazed how simple and effective this is .
Men generally communicate on a different plain to women and at times have difficulties understanding emotional or abstract content as these are right brain functions and men usually are left brain dominant therefore keeping it simple will work best.
Communication is the key and lots of it. Make an appointment with him if he finds it difficult putting aside some time. Respectfully discussing how you feel regularly will help a great deal. My wife talked to me many times about a particular issue and when I finally understood what she was feeling I stupidly asked 'why didn't you ever tell me this before'. After a discussion, I needed time to absorb what said and this usually took half a day and longer.
Avoid the word 'you' in your communication as this implies blame and keep your comments focused on the problem not the person.
Hope this helps
HomeAloneAgain
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Post #242
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Sunday, May 13, 2012
Posts: 27,
Visits: 3,046
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Hi I am in the same vote but I am the one with the high sex drive and she is without and she works alot and I don't. Saying that I do house work and have a caual job and I am at uni. So how do you get a women to want sex and then you may see that the 2 are simular no help am I but what other stresses in life do you have.
See the way society is now a days we are preeured into working long and hard days to make ends meet and well it aint easy, but I found if you have great lite tasing meals and for the women to make the move like I have too with my o/h seeing how she not into sex thats what you have to do when the timimng in so rub his bum give him a hug rib his crotch not at once but each on thier own and don't push the issue if he refuses in anyway(don't be offened) just persist over a few months and eventually it will happen till then be there and get a vib perhaps buy some girl mags.
NO WAY IS THIS INTENED TO BE CORRECT BUT JUST MY OPINION AS A BLOKE.
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Post #776
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Sunday, August 07, 2011
Posts: 49,
Visits: 111
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Mate. The sex drive is a problem. I got married at 22 and basically never had a sexual relationship with my wife for the 14 years of our marriage before it ended. A bit of oral sex would be OK but that was it.
After we split we remained friends as the split wasn't nasty - no kids, and we had just drifted apart. We still keep in contact via email or the occasional phone call even though we are now in different states.
Anyway, she ended up with a much younger guy than me but still didn't want sex. She has since been diagnosed with vaginismus which is a medical condition that causes the muscles to contract and make sex painful for the woman. Apparently treatment is easy, doesn't require surgery, and is highly succesful. So is there a chance your partner suffers from that?
Being a virgin when I got married, it was very good when I first slept with someone else and found it wasn't my fault, that I could bring a woman to orgasm.
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Post #778
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