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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Posts: 12,
Visits: 17
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I recently met the perfect man through some friends but he's just divorced after his wife left him for a close mate. Hence, he's very, very damaged emotionally. We spent about a week together and it was just perfect - exactly what both of us needed. We both acknowledged that we wanted a relationship together and began to discuss how we could slowly introduce the idea of us to his daughter who spends every second week with him. However, as quickly as it began he 'pulled the pin' on everything, apologising profusely for hurting me by doing so. He was very complimentary and confessed that he 'thought he was ready but he's not'. I accept this - I know he's been honest with me. The problem is, I am devastated. I was very ready and really do feel that he was 'right' for me and I for him. It's been three months since and we've had some contact over emails only (i can't bring myself to phone) and the contact is generally of a non-personal or trivial type. All contact is initiated by me. If I say anything complimentary or kind he does not reply. Advice I've had is to keep in touch as a friend but allow him his space to grieve etc. and when he's ready he might let me know. At the time, he said he expected I'd have 'moved on' by the time he was ready but I don't meet that many men I feel strongly for (usually meet about one every two-three years) so I'm not sure I will have. I'm happy to be friends but must admit to myself that I would really like something more. I really need a man's perspective on this because it's not an experience I've ever dealt with before and neither have any of my friends. Are there any men out there that can clarify what is the best thing for me to do? - I haven't 'harrassed' him, have most definitely given him his space etc and will continue to but I am wondering if I should bother to continue staying in touch now and then or disappear completely for a while. I'd really like a few blokes to give me their experienced advice on this.
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Post #482
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Posts: 12,
Visits: 17
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further info - he rarely contacts the mutual friends these days - they are also friends for many years with the ex and the offending mate. only regular female friend he sees is openly gay and unconnected with the past.
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Post #483
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Posts: 12,
Visits: 17
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but he always replies when I'm cheeky and flirtatious. make no sense to me at all!
blokes PLEASE explain...........................
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Post #484
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Saturday, June 14, 2008
Posts: 13,
Visits: 69
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In the absence of a direct explanation from him, from the information you've given, I would suggest that he still has feelings for his ex-wife and, despite his divorce being finalised, has not finally let go of that relationship. Is there any evidence of this?
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Post #485
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Posts: 12,
Visits: 17
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that is a possibility. He tried very hard to keep the relationship going - heaps of counselling etc prior to end and after but it did nothing for them - she was screwing around with his mate for ages before they split and wasn't interested in him at all.
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Post #486
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Saturday, June 14, 2008
Posts: 13,
Visits: 69
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It could also simply be that, although he really likes you, he is scared of being hurt again - despite our bravado, men get just as scared as women about being hurt. The reactions you describe when you say encouraging and nice things to him could suggest that he is hearing similar things from you that he heard from his ex-wife and he's thinking - "well if one women I loved said these sorts of things and broke my heart anyway, maybe this one will do that too?". If this is the case, the only way to move past might be to put some of these thoughts to him and if they are accurate the two of you could seek professional couples counseling to see if sufficient trust and confidence can be built to move your relationship forwards.
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Post #487
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Posts: 12,
Visits: 17
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that's a nice idea thanks jmfarr but unfortunately I can see already the following is about to happen and it breaks my heart to know it and have no way of intervening:
he's already changed his whole circle of friends for a younger, single crowd and when he doesn't have his daughter with him he parties with them and they get up to some weird stuff it seems. He'll get deeper into that circle, screw around with women that he doesn't love/doesn't want to love and generally live a fairly self destructive life for a while. Old, close friends acknowledged tonight that they never hear from him anymore because they're links to his past and represent a domestic bliss that he's lost. I watched my brother go through this phase and it was painful to witness and yet be unable to interfere and 'steady the ship' so to speak. It hurts me so much to know this is going to happen probably for the next twelve months or so when I have such strong feelings for this guy and represent everything that he needs but can't accept back into his life right now. I just have to stand back and watch with great sadness. I sure wish I could snap my fingers and make it pass but it is a right of passage I think that he needs to go on. poor guy. he so deserves better than he's had.
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Post #488
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Saturday, June 14, 2008
Posts: 13,
Visits: 69
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That's sad but pretty typical of some guys I have known - he may be saying to himself "I'm scared of getting hurt, but instead of dealing with that fear I'll just have a series of meaningless flings and engage in self destrucitve behaviour until I really hit rock bottom (which humans both male and female seem to be destined to have to do before they wake up to themsleves) and then I'll look around me and say "god help me"." This man is lucky that he has someone like you with insight and patience - you already seem to know that you can't control him - only influence him and be patient. Hey - make sure you look after your own emotional wellbeing too. ???
Edited: Friday, June 13, 2008 by
buddy
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Post #489
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Sunday, August 07, 2011
Posts: 49,
Visits: 111
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Hi bt
From my male perspective I will give my experiences. I divorced a few years ago, and after a few months had a bit of a play on rsvp, especially as I had moved interstate for work so didn't really have a circle of friends. A couple of things developed but nothing serious that lasted. But yes, the temptation after 14 years of marriage was to go out and party again - though alchohol was my main drug of choice (tried speed twice, hanging out with the wrong crowd). Not my scene really!
I am now just over a year out from a very serious relationship in Adelaide (if you read the men's support forum you will see the story) and have moved back to Sydney. While the temptation to party is there a bit I don't really live in an area with a lot going on (and can't be stuffed with the hour bus ride into town too often). But at the same time I met a nice lady 2 weeks ago and we did end up in bed together (her initiation) - but at the same time my feelings were/are not there. I have had to explain that to her in a letter, she has emailed me back saying she understands and is prepared to wait for me to get some counselling. I just don't have any feelings inside at the moment.
But yes, my experience from both my divorce and the recent breakup is that as a man you go emotionally numb inside. It's probably partly self defence to avoid the risk of getting hurt again. Also learning to trust someone again after that hurt. In some ways it is easier to party. The good news is that we do get over it eventually. And then refocus on something more satisfying that just putting ourselves out of out misery.
Hopefully he will reach a stage soon where he doesn't need to do that to numb the pain, and can start thinking about the future. Then, and only then, can the relationship have a chance.
Good luck with it 
Edited: Thursday, June 12, 2008 by
sadelaide
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Post #534
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