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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Monday, March 23, 2009
Posts: 1,
Visits: 21
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Hi,
I know I'm going to sound really disturbed and i guess i am.
This is going to be a very long story but i hope someone takes the time to read this if they have been in a similar situation to me because i just don't know what to do anymore and i'm just about ready to commit suicide.
I met my partner when we were both teenagers and we were each other's firsts. As we got very serious about each other he went overseas for about four months.
I was allowed to do stayovers and before he left i was staying up to four nights a week. I'm so in love with him and i was as much in love with him back then so when he left i was devastated.
I was always quite a lonely person and kept to myself before i met him which seems odd because i was so young but i suffered a lot of disappointment growing up from "friends" and family as well that i guess it was my way of protecting myself.
hen i met him though i opened myself up for the first time to somebody and i gave him everything i had. Then he left. This hurt me immensely but i often put on a brave face during phone calls and asked about his day etc. I would call him every day and it was the highlight of my day. He would always get extremely jealous and possessive if i went out with friends and slowly i found myself lonelier than ever and really beginning to have depression, as i needed my friends around me during this time but didnt want to get him offside, so my friends dropped off.
Then he came back. His mum is a single mother and i was always cautious of her as she had said some awful things about me before she even met me. As i learned my partner's story about his parents and their divorce, and after her telling me a few disturbing things when he was away, i realised that one day i might be unwelcome in the household because i was stealing his affection and his mum didn't like that one bit.
Sure enough he'd come home and that weekend i stayed over, i was to stay over the following night as well but didn't get the chance as at 11:30pm at night his mum told him in their native language that i was to leave tonight, that i wasn't staying over.
I was devastated :'( i hoped that he wouldn't take her side and that he'd be level headed about it. I mean i understood it's her house and her rules so what she said goes. I never really argued with that. But he ended up blaming me for getting kicked out and he continued to do so for yrs and even says now, "you don't come over" when he knows that i'm not allowed over.
Things went from bad to worse. He grew resentful about our situation, because my parents found out that i'd been kicked out of his house because i went to my room and was crying in there for hrs. So they made me tell them what was wrong, to which they responded by saying that my partner wasn't welcome in our house as a result of his mum doing what she did.
We had had a really terrible argument before he was due to come home from overseas, i was suffering depression so fierce that i told him i didn't love him anymore (which was the biggest lie ever but i had no friends by this point and i felt like my life was getting out of my control completely. and he wasn't nearby yet he didnt like me hanging out with my friends. i just didnt know what to do anymore). anyway that hurt us both and then after apologising and saying i didnt mean it and i hope he can forgive me and get back with me he then turned around and said to me that he didn't know if he wanted a relationship anyway, and that he couldn't handle my "@#$!" ( i was havign problems at home, my parents were constantly threatening to kick me out). i was so hurt, then he told me not to come to the airport when he got home.
to make matters worse i got so ill the night before he was due home i couldnt get out of bed in time to see him anyway. so i never made it to the airport 
he never told his mum about our fights, so the only thing i can glean from why she kicked me out was because she didn't like him being in love with me.
We were together after breaking up over this for a month or so, then 6 months on out of the blue and without any explanation he just ended it with me. i met up with him several times and became so distraught because he never could tell me why he was breaking up with me.
I wanted to commit suicide after waiting for him and having nobody, i just felt so alone and depressed. I ran a bath once but my parents caught me and stopped me.
I once drove to his house and asked him to come outside to help me score some drugs so i could O.D.
I was a complete mess. To make matters worse for 4 months after he broke up with me he's apologise and say he was sorry and that he loved me, would have sex with me and then would "break up" with me straight afterwards. This happened constantly over the four months.
It got to the point where i would sleep every day for hrs and hrs just to escape from my depression over this treatment. The problem was and still is that i love him so much even after what he's done to me.
I would wake up every night and go online and eventually i made a friend online who was so kind and helped me a lot, i can honestly say for a time there he was the only reason i stayed alive.
Anyway after these few months i eventually stopped listening to his lies about wanting me back because all he did was ditch me again. With the help of my friend i got on with things and it was probably a 3 week spell and didnt hear anything from my partner.
Then on valentines day he rang me up and said he was so sorry for what he did and could he have another chance with me. I said no and hung up. But then i gave in and came to see him and we were back together again.
Throughout our relationship he has put me down and called me names. It got to the point 6 months after valentines day hat he never even wanted to spend any time with me. We'd had a fight one night and this girl who has wanted him from day one and him went out for dinner on a saturday night instead of resolving the fight with me
I was so down by this treatment at this time that i ended it with him. My way of dealing with this was pretending i didn't care at all and pushing it to the back of my mind. But this only lasted a month or so and i was back in contact with him again and he said let's get back together.
We did again. I know it sounds weird after what he'd done but i always believed his word, i never thought he would lie to me. But over the next few months i found out all these lies he told which dated back to when we were first getting together (it had been 2 yrs since then by this stage).
I was so depressed over it, the lies were particularly about spending time with this girl that i've mentioned above. After confronting him about it even though i knew the truth he lied to me again. And i was so disgusted that i ended it with him.
I was disgusted but i still loved him so i'd go back and get used and he'd say we were together then ths time it was so much worse. He'd say we were back together but then i wouldnt hear from him for weeks on end. I knew he was seeing this other girl, he would even switch his phone off on me and not answer my calls but we were supposed to be "together".
I don't know, in the back of my head i just didnt wanna believe he was seeing her. Even though in fights he would tell me how he was trying to get with her and have sex with her etc.
I keep a journal and i started writing in it because i was so lonely. But it got really weird, i pretended i was with somebody else and how we were getting together and we were going to spend time together. I guess it was my way of coping because i just really didn't wanna be alive anymore
By this stage i was severly depressed. I wouldn't get out of bed at all, and i'd try at night time to contact him but he'd either ignore my msgs or switch his phone off. I just wanted to know why he'd done it i guess and why he kept leading me on :'(
This went on for months and months. Before new yr he met up with me, i had tried to commit suicide which he knew about. He had sex with me when we met up but said he didn't wanna see me on new yr. i knew he was going to see that girl and everyone else but me, i was so hurt.
On new yr i msged him along with other friends "happy new yr". I put my phone down and got a missed call from him, so i called him back. Somebody answered but it wasn't him, i asked if i could speak to him because he called me and the person told me to fk off and jump off a bridge. I couldnt really believe what i was hearing so i rang back thinking it must be some mistake. But it was the same voice again telling me to jump off a bridge. I put the phone down crying and crying, i spent the new yr outside my place crying my eyes out as ppl were over and i couldnt do it inside without them asking what was wrong.
He'd put his friend up to that nasty joke when all i did was wish him a happy new yr
i was devastated. Anyway stupidly i met up with him after the new yr. he used me a lot. I wasn't feeling so good one day and decided to do a preg test. it tested positive. I did another one to make sure and that tested negative. Confused i went to the doctors. I thought i'd tell my partner what was going on tho, as i was so sad and alone and didnt really know how to cope with the news.
He just told me to "get ride of it" and that was it. I was distraught. I went to the drive-ins on my own which is where we used to go together just to try and take my mind off things.
On the monday i went to the doctor and he confirmed that i wasn't pregnant, and that the first test i did must have been a dud.
I was relieved as my partner didn't even want the baby if i was pregnant. But i was also severley depressed by this news.
I tried for a few months after this just to get some answers from him. After him not even giving me some explanations for why he had done what he did, but was still continuing to tell me he loved me, i found out all these things like how he was planning to spend new yr at his mates and was gonna invite this girl along, how he was going to take her to restaurants that we went together and how he wanted to go away with her. This wasn't just rumour it was something i had read - he wrote all of this on someone's facebook.
I was so devastated. This really put me in a worse position with my depression, but i had made some really nice friends, the first i had in a long time, and i managed to get myself out and about. I was still very depressed and i still craved some answers but eventually i just gave up and tried really hard to get my life back on track.
I ran into him the day before my birthday at uni. That night he emailed me saying happy birthday etc. I asked him to leave me alone but we talked and we ended up getting back together. He kept insisting that nothing happened with that girl but by this stage i had lost all trust and i didn't believe a word he said to me
I was in so much pain. I love this guy so much but after all he did to me the trust was gone. He seemed like he really wanted to try but i had had enough.
I made a new friend and he was really supportive. We've only ever been friends and i know he cares about me a lot but only in a sisterly way. I should have taken this chance to really get over my partner, as my friend had just broken uop with a girl and we were helping each other through our pain.
But it was no use i was still so in love with my partner, i contacted him and asked how he was going, and since then we have been off and on constantly.
The lastest thing is my doctor told me i was pregnant,l but she confused me with anothe rpatient and i ended up not being pregnant. I thought i was pregnant from last thursday to this monday just gone. I decided that i had to tell my partner about the baby, i was miserable the entire weekend he didn't want the baby again and i wanted it so much. I have hit rock bottom :"(
Anyway we were supposed to be trying again but as usual he keeps breaking it off with me for petty reasons. He read my journal and after telling me im a slut, that he sleeps like a baby at night and doesnt care about me etc. i dont want him to read my journal anymore so i pretended that i like my friend, the one who is supportive towards me so he'd stop reading it.
But instead he throws this back in my face and gives me this as a reason we arent together. and then after the pain he saw me go thru on the weekend about the baby then turns around and says ive made it up :"(
he wonders why i dont want to have sex with him yet all he does is get back with me because he knows its the only way he can have sex with me then as soon as its over he dumps me again :"(
I really have hit rock bottom. I just dont wanna be here anymore :'( i know its my own fault and that i kept going bak and i only blame myself for this. But its so hard because even after all of this i still love him so much.
He fks with my head he treats me so badly yet he says he loves me all the time. He's the only person to have ever said he loves me and wants a future with me, and i wan tto believe it so much because its what i want with him
he says that what we have is special and it was so special at the bginning. I know he makes all these excuses because reall yhe's just a mama's boy and i know she threatens him and wont allow him to be with me so he chickens out
and i know there is nothing even likeable about this guy, i know but still i love him. Im caught in this vicious cycle and i just dont know what to do. I don't want to be here but i am afraid of the pain it will cause my family if i do anything.
I'm sorry this has been such an epic response and i know i really need help, i've just lost a lust for life and i just see such a stretch of loneliness before me, and i just dont want to feel lonely anymore it tears me up inside.
Pls help me :'(
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Posts: 2,
Visits: 5
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Hi There,
You did have a lot say, and a lot to get off your chest. But you know what, it is the same cycle over and over again. You break up, get together, say things to hurt each other, make up and it continues again and again.
You need to tackle this situation being brutally honest with yourself and being selfish for once and only consider yourself in the situation.
You are in a relationship without any commitment and is based purely on convenience in two ways, in a sexual way and also in an assurance way. You continue to say that you love him, but how can you truly love someone that treats you like this. Can you honestly say that if you were to make something of your relationship that you will be truly happy?
It is important to get out of the cycle of thinking that there is nothing else out there apart from him. You need to start getting social, pick up a new job - get some sort of change of scene.
Also, ask yourself what is making you depressed, I think it is the dissapointment that occurs in your relationship, not so much that this guy, but the lead up and let down that he gives you. I think its a good idea to distance yourself from him and simply get to square one with yourself and start fresh. I am sure you will start to see clearly that your life is your own and you don't need someone to validate it.
All in all I think you know in your heart what you should be doing. Make a decision and stay firm with it, so you actually make some progress and will slowly move out of the situation.
Good Luck
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, September 07, 2011
Posts: 47,
Visits: 193
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Hi there 'depressed',
I agree with everything in the above post. It sounds like what you have happening with this guy is something akin to an addiction, where you keep going back and back to something you know to be unhealthy for you in the hope of getting something out of it that it's never going to provide. The hook is the short-term 'fix' you get when he gives you the attention that seems a little like the love you are after, but which is really just his desire to use you sexually. Your low self-esteem and lack of self-love keep you in the negative spiral. I know you say you love him, but I doubt it. You're addicted to him, and the feeling of needing that fix of 'love' from him is what you mistake for loving him. I am quite sure that once you've broken out of this destructive cycle, you will come to have very different feelings for him, feelings that reflect the extraordinary abuse he has subjected you to.
I hope you're getting some counselling for all this, especially for the depression, because if you're at the point of actually feeling suicidal, then you really need to get some professional help as soon as possible.
I wish you all the best.
mitch
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Posts: 13,
Visits: 14
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I agree with the last writer - you are locked in an addiction. From what I know of such things, the breakthrough is understanding that this is exactly that - an addiction. From there you will be in a position to deal with it as you would with any other.
My understanding is that all addictions stem from some original pain. The substance or the activity is embraced to aleviate the pain but then it takes over and the pain is subsumed to a lower level of consciousness. To break the addiction, you have to get in touch with the original cause of the pain - and deal with it.
You'll need professional counselling to help you do this but you must find out what it is that compels you to cling to such a lying, cheating, abusive individual who is so obviously bad for you it's not funny.
There is help available for these kinds of extreme problems and you should remember you are not alone in this. Many suffer in similar ways and as a result there are lots of resources to deal with. Find yourself a good counsellor, find the cause of your original pain, learn how to deal with it and get away from this monster.
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Posts: 7,
Visits: 7
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Depression is one of those disorders which most people face in there life as some stage for one reason or the other. If it's children the pressure of studies gets over their head and if it's adults the pressure of work attracts depression. Rather than going on drugs, one should look for the reason behind there problem . Keeping your self busy and changing the schedule also helps sometimes to get over stress and depression.
The best way to get over stress, depression and anxiety is to take a break from your regular schedule, go out, and take good sleep. This helps in clearing the mind and try consulting a specialist who can suggest you as how you can get over your problem. There are various prescription drugs to get over anxiety and depression, but these should only be used in accordance with the instruction of a physician and going on anti depressants should be the last option.
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